Many people wonder what their breaking point is. A few think they've reached it. I am pretty sure I've body slammed mine a few times. I'm stressed. Plain and simple. Last year was a whirlwind. This year will be one too. So will next year.
I've reached the point to where my panic attacks are coming back... Two in the last month. I was doing good for awhile, I found my peace and didn't have any. At all. Nothing could break me.
Maybe it is the stage of pregnancy I'm at. I can't get comfortable, I go to the bathroom every 45 minutes, it is hard to breathe, my feet swell up if I'm on them for an hour.
Work. That's all I'm saying.
Maybe it is the impending custody battle. I wake up with dreams that the boys' dad has fabricated lists to try to get custody away from me. Dreams where he refuses to let me bring them home. Where I can't see them. Talk to them.
I've kind of taken a slight hiatus in wedding planning... I haven't stopped, I'm just taking a break. The wedding is also producing dreams. Guests don't show up. Cake delievered still in the pans. We can't find the church. I'm scared that I'm to unorganized to pull a wedding off.
In 2009 I left everything I knew, my home, my husband, my stuff... Took the kids and moved back in with my parents in hopes and in search of a new life. A happy life. A life where I'm not scared. Not afraid to go home. Not afraid to be me. I filed for divorce. I met someone, fell head over heels in love, we moved in together, and we found out that we are pregnant.
In 2010... 3 months into this year... Curt proposed, we found out we are having a baby girl & we are preparing for a custody battle that we will win. My boys will be with me. All of the time. No more having to live without them a week at a time. This year will bring a new life into ours... A new career change possibly... A new life for us all.
2011 will bring a wedding and all that entails.
I need a vacation. A nap. Time to fill out a really big calender and planner.
I'm scared that I'm nearing my breaking point. I'm scared of the panic attacks. I'm scared that no matter how many times I tell myself that it will be okay, nothing will go right.
I'm scared.
4 comments:
Well after reading you blog I find it amusing that your panic attacks have returned. Have you thought about the dreams coing from guilt you should be feeling for the way you kept the boys from their Dad for months and knew it was wrong. Maybe you should stop and think about the boys and what they need from both of their parents to be happy. They have done nothing wrong and selfishness is going to harm them. I hope you stop and think about others for once instead of yourself and what you want. PUT THE BOYS FIRST!
Wow. Whoever you are, you are a jackass. I have nothing hateful or negative to say about the boys' dad. I personally enjoyed my time with him and welcomed him to my home and still would today. However, Jessica (or Curt for that matter) have never kept the boys from their father. Time with him has been offerred but not always taken. If a parent truly wants/needs additional time with their children, a parent welcomes a civil, friendly, cooperative relationship with the other parent where calls can be made to make arrangements that work for everyone. Jessica is one of the best mothers I have ever seen. She loves those kids more than life itself and would do anything for them. I have personally witnessed her sacrifice for herself for those boys. When people lash out anonymously, it's because either they are mad at someone else and need a place to piss away their anger or they just have their facts screwed up and don't know to get rid of their frustration. Whoever you are, get your facts straight and go piss on someone else's playground.
p.s. Anonymous person: Speaking of who the boys should be around...anyone who finds panic attacks amusing is unkind, uncompassionate, and not the kind of person those kids should be around. They are the most well adjusted, polite, and great kids you could ever imagine. I only hope that they are never affected by your negativity and hatred.
Wow..... time to start filtering your comments. It's a wonderful feature that allows you to preview the comments, and allow them, or ignore them for publishing.
Good luck to you, I know it's a tough time but keep your head up. Sounds like you have wonderful people in your life to help you through this. And ignore the rest of them, that's what I do ;-)
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